ha ha ha

10/16/09

jay leno

well, in sports news, the big story is the  nfl now stands for not for limbaugh.”

well, as you probably know, conservative talk show host rush limbaugh has been dropped from a group of investors who were trying to buy the st. louis rams. speculation was that limbaugh was considered by the league to be too controversial, you know, unlike michael vick, pacman jones, coach tom cable, plaxico burress. the nfl hates controversy.

09/18/09

jay leno

you know, they used to say a recession was when your neighbor lost his job, and a depression was when you lost your job. you probably heard this, right? see, now, a recession is when wall street guys get bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it.

oh, and of course, there’s that big scandal with a-porn, i mean acorn. they’re an organization that gets government money to help poor people. well, now, they’re in a lot of trouble. it seems these two filmmakers went to acorn’s office posing as a pimp and a prostitute, saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. and acorn workers gave them advice on how to get away with prostitution and how to avoid paying taxes. see, here’s my question. if they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, go to congress. these are the professionals. these are the people that know.

09/17/09

jay leno

wait, have you heard about this? oh, i love this. they have new house rules saying members of congress cannot call the president a liar. they cannot call him a hypocrite. they cannot say he is dishonest. today, president bush said, “hey, where were these rules when i was president?”

well, listen to this. here’s some good terrorist gossip. according to a sudanese novelist who once lived with osama bin laden for four months, osama bin laden is a huge whitney houston fan which is surprising. i mean, considering the way those people treat women, you’d think he’d be a bigger bobby brown fan.

9/16/09

jay leno

yesterday in new york city, president obama gave a tough speech to the wall street executives. see, wall street is considered a safe place for obama. you see, on wall street, if someone yells out “you lie,” you could be talking to anybody.

and folks, they are doing it again. it’s being reported that goldman sachs gave out $11 billion in bonuses. but they told their executives to be discreet with their money. what do you mean their money? it’s our money!

09/15/09

jay leno

well, people are still talking about last week when president obama gave his speech on health care and that republican congressman yelled out, “you lie!” he yelled out, “you lie!” to the president. so, at least the two sides are talking. you know, and that’s good. there’s dialogue.

and according to the wall street journal, wal-mart will now pay its workers in the united states electronically.  i mean, it’ll still be in pesos, but electronic.

oh, hey, and the university of wyoming will open the new dick cheney center for international students. and really, who loves foreigners more than dick cheney?

09/04/09

conan obrien

earlier today, governor schwarzenegger was touring a neighborhood damaged by the fire, and he found a charred barbell. did you see that? he did! he found a charred barbell and picked it up, yeah. yeah, he picked up the barbell, held it to the sky and said, “now its personal!”

7/30/09

conan obrien

yesterday at the white house, president obama took part in an online q & a session with a group of senior citizens. the most common question the seniors asked obama was, ‘what have you done with eisenhower?’

 

 

7/10/09

conan obrien

“this is weird, in her resignation speech, sarah palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the vote was unanimous. yeah, even her children thought she was in over her head.”

7/09/09

david letterman

anybody ever been in prison? bernie madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he’s going to be there for 150 years. you know what he did? he hired a prison consultant. i think it’s martha stewart.

 

 

6/25/09

craig  ferguson

the past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. you know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was jesse “the body” ventura.

6/19/09

craig ferguson

now the official report said that hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the state department. but hillary likes to exaggerate, so she’s telling everybody it was sniper fire.

the secret service performed beautifully but they had to use the jaws of life to cut hillary out of her pantsuit.

 

6/09

carol dale

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘im not gonna pay retail!’

 

5/29/09

jay leno

let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren’t you legally a republican at this point? i think so.

5/28/09

jay leno

people in beverly hills had a lot of questions for the president about health care. they wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and brazilian butt lifts were covered under medicare.

5/19/09

david letterman

yeah, the underground dungeon is where dick and his evil monks plotted to take over the vatican.

5/19/09

jay leno

los angeles will start a water rationing in june, which means dick cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now.

5/12/09

jay leno

it seems like the drug manny ramirez tested positive for is commonly used for female fertility. i guess the team started getting suspicious when he stopped getting jock itch and started getting that not so fresh feeling.

5/9/09

wanda sykes  

and god forbid if joe biden falls in the hands of terrorists. god forbid theres ever a hostage situation…were done. oh, they wont even have to torture him. all they have to say is ‘hows it going joe?’ he will come out with stacks of information. what did you do? did you waterboard him? no, i just said nice weather and hes still talking. cant listen to him anymore… its like torture.

5/8/09

david letterman

everybody is excited about the economy getting better and you kind of feel it everywhere you go. people have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. here’s how you know the economy is actually starting to turn around a little bit. i saw donald trump earlier today, and that thing on his head was wagging.

5/6/09

jimmy kimmel

happy cinco de mayo to uno and all. cinco de mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the united states than it is in mexico because we have more mexicans here than they do there.

5/3/09

jay leno  

hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? im not sure what to do this year. im stuck between a somali pirate cruise or a trip to a mexican pig farm.

5/3/09

jimmy kimmel 

the government does not want us to call it the swine flu.  theyre calling it the 2009 h1n1 virus.  the reason for the change is they want people to know you can still eat all the pork you want without any risk to your health, except diabetes, obesity, and heart disease.